I’m in this vicious cycle of procrastination and recrimination. My house is a mess, but I procrastinate the work until there is no time or I am too tired, and then I feel sick because I haven’t done what needs to be done. And then I get depressed which makes me even more unwilling/unable to do what needs to be done.
At work they want me to start cold calling companies in the gulf (Kuwait, Qatar, UAE, Bahrain, Oman, etc) to try to get people interested in what my company has to offer. They label it marketing, I label it sales.
Well, I’m sure if I brought that up they would fix it by making me Manager of Sales as well.
So here I am, stuck in a country where my every move is hampered by my inability to speak Arabic, expected to cold call more countries where I will probably be hampered by my inability to speak Arabic. Yes I’ll be cold-calling large corporations with a high percentage of foreign workers which means I probably won’t have an issue. But its still there, that nagging worry that I’ll be caught trying to explain myself in as many differently worded sentences as possible what exactly I want, only to get the run-around.
This country, nay this REGION, is infamous for their ability to run you the f*** around. On everything. I could be offering to give them a million dollars and they’d pass me on to four other people. I tried to get micr0s0ft licenses for the new employees and I was given to one person, who passed me to another, who passed me to a fourth and when I had trouble with #4 I went back to #3 who passed me to #5 who could only place the order with #6.
How am I supposed to function? How am I supposed to get anything done.
And who likes to cold call? Cold calling within the US would give me cold feet.
So here I am for a second day dreading picking up the headphones and mic and opening up skype. Last night I went home from work feeling worthless and like any day my boss could call me in and fire me for being such, and then feeling like it would be so much easier if I quit. But if I quit then what? I’ll be stuck at home and everyone remembers how happy I was with that. Plus my husband and I have expanded our spending to fit our expanded budget with my salary, what would we do then?
Last week I was side-lined with a neck and back spasm caused by poor bedding and stress. The day I couldn’t get up I sat with every muscle in my body shaking from the unreleased tension until I… well broke. And decided that if I lost the job or quit the job then what the eff ever and I don’t need it.
But I do. Maybe we could survive on Mr. MM’s salary. Actually I know that we could, it would just be tighter than I care to deal with. But more-so I need to know that I made it through, that I am not worthless, that I don’t give up. That I did this. That I survived it.
This place is insane. One can never understand the true cost of chaos until one has lived in it, breathed it, ate it, and -gasp- began to think like it.
Do you know that there are things that make sense to me now that would never have made sense to me before I moved here? Its totally different method of logic and dear God of all things good and evil I have actually began to understand their insanity. So what, then, does that mean? That I am as insane as they are?
It is more than I can bear although millions upon millions do it everyday. There are expats here who love living here and would never leave it for anything. Mr. MM likes to bring that fact up.
But there are people who like to live on communes, grow their own organic vegetables, never watch TV, and compost their feces. Thats not me, I couldn’t do it.
There are also people who enjoy watching NASCAR and who agreed with every G.W. Bush did, and said, and ate for breakfast. But thats not me either.
There are people who come to Egypt and love living here.
Those people are not me.
And here I am, burning daylight, watching the minutes of my time zone window ticking away while I do not do the things I need to do.
And leaving everything behind seems like such a good idea again.
And I begin to feel completely hopeless and helpless and frustrated again.