Dawah By Dong*

In this title I am talking about the men who are intent on spreading Islam with their man-parts, by dating and eventually converting poor, misguided women in the West.

I hesitated to write this post, despite my passion on the subject, because I, myself, was involved with a Muslim man when I converted to Islam. I’ve mentioned this before and am mentioning it again in the interest of full disclosure. I didn’t convert for this man, however, as evidenced by the fact that I rejected his marriage proposals, broke up with him soon after converting, and moved out of state to escape him, my family, and my old life in order to re-discover myself in my new, chosen, identity.  I had also been bumping up against, discovering, and delving into Islam for four years before this relationship so the brother was not my first introduction to the religion. InshAllah he will get reward though because he did help me cross that final threshold.

I also hesitated because I anticipate that this will be, possibly, an offensive topic for many out there because I very rarely, and I mean rarely, meet women who converted on their own, without being in a relationship, or already being married to a Muslim man. I identify myself as someone who came into Islam by myself, although in fact I do wallow in a gray area between due to this relationship. I can neither disregard nor completely credit the contribution of this brother for my being Muslim. But I generally count the two years between my conversion and my marriage as sufficient to identify myself as someone who came into Islam without being married to a Muslim man. You may disagree with that as you wish.

Many, many converts cannot say the same thing though, and I fear that I will marginalize or degrade their decision to convert by what I want to say in this post. I do not mean to. There is nothing to say that your Islam is less valuable because you married your husband before, or soon after, you converted.

My object of disdain is the Muslim man who dates easy, empty-headed women and then uses the leverage of “I can’t marry you because you’re not Muslim” to break it off when the poor girl gets too clingy. And who justifies his rutting around by saying that he believes she is interested in Islam and he wants to guide her. But then uses aforementioned excuse to break it off when he tires of shagging her.

And there are men who date women who aren’t even interested in Islam and then, when both are invested in the relationship, put pressure on their girlfriends to convert because he won’t marry, and make babies with, a non-Muslim. This is a very sad and unfortunate situation because the women are forced to choose between losing the man that they love or converting to a religion they don’t believe in.

I would be surprised if you, the reader (assuming that you are Muslim and you travel in Muslim circles,)  had never known of, or heard of, a situation where this had happened. The woman breaks down and “converts,” the man marries her, they pop out a few kids and 10 years down the road the woman is miserably unhappy with being a Muslim, covering, and dealing with the expectations so they divorce. It’s a bitter divorce, and of course she leaves Islam, and a year later the kids are going to Friday prayer with dad and Sunday school with mom.

This is why dawah by dong is fatally flawed even though it is the primary method by which many women convert.

Obviously I am ignoring the simple fact that offering his man-parts to ‘ze ladies’ is haraam. I’m ignoring it simply because they do.

I don’t know how many times I’ve seen Muslim men with non-Muslim women. And very, very, very few of them plan on marrying these women. They’re just playing around until they save enough plata to bag a virgin from their home country. The kufar women are simply for getting his rocks off before then. Sometimes the man is afraid enough of Allah that he marries the chick Islamically so that the sexy-times are not a sin, but the final outcome is the same.

Raise your hand if you’re a non-Muslim and you’ve heard that Muslim men are skeezes? Heck, raise your hand if you’re Muslim and you’ve heard, or seen, that Muslim men are skeezes?

*raises hand*

But behind this are a number, a large number, of women who met their husbands at work/school, became romantically involved, learned about Islam, converted, married, spawned, and are living happily ever after as content Muslimahs. MashAllah.

But oh, oh, how many failures there are. How many men there are who use it as an excuse. Even as an excuse to marry a SECOND wife. To “help” some woman who is thinking about converting, or recently converted, stay on the path.

Because God knows that we women aren’t strong enough to keep a religion without a man around to remind us.

And what a noble cause this gentleman is embarking on: saving the converts of the world, four women at  a time.

Spreading the good word of Islam with his “sword.”

Enough.

Islam is beautiful enough to spread without blackmailing a woman into it.

Women are competent enough to discover how to be a good Muslim without a man to teach her.

And if you are interested in Islam, contact a local mosque. Or go ahead and ask that dreamy-eyed brown boy in your organic chem class about Islam but don’t, do not, absolutely do not tie YOUR Islam to him or anyone else.

Make it your own. And then marry him.

But this method of spreading Islam needs to stop.

Though I doubt it ever will.

I’d flay the skin off my son if I ever caught him doing this, although I would support him giving a Quran, advice, or the number to the local masjid to the pretty young thing who approached him in organic chem.

But I’d make sure she wanted Islam for herself before I consented to a marriage.

Brothers, be responsible.

Ladies, be smart.

And please forgive me if I have offended anyone, it wasn’t my intention. I just had to get this off of my chest.

 

 

*I apologize for such a crude way of putting it, but its apt.

 

Addendum: There are many good, righteous brothers who seek to marry converts because they like the idea that a woman, who was interested in Islam, became a Muslim and they want the reward of helping her learn Islam. Sometimes they help a woman, who has approached them with questions, and the relationship becomes romantic before she converts and after she does they then marry. This situation, from my experience, is the majority of the cases of how women convert to Islam. Its close to the line but doesn’t cross it, and may Allah bless them.

My husband married me after I had been Muslim for 2 years and he is happy to say this whenever anyone asks. Alhumdulillah.

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20 responses to “Dawah By Dong*

  1. My experience dating a Muslim guy was a little different… thankfully. We almost didn’t date… not just because of the religious differences (didn’t actually come up) but because he was from another country and didn’t want to stay here/didn’t want to ask me to move there. We did date anyway… Religion came up…. a bit, not much. He taught me a little in that time. It ended badly anyway (of course…) and somehow years later we ended up as friends. Now he constantly sends me religious info lol.

    I obviously didn’t end up converting/reverting (depending on how you look at it right? 🙂 ) But I did study Islam a lot more after he left. Not just because of him though… going to Africa and it working its way into my classes had a bit to do with that too lol.

    • I always wondered who/what got you interested in Islam. You are the most Islamically knowledgeable non-Muslim I know!

  2. Assalaamu alaikum 🙂

    Good post! I also would add that it can be a ‘trophy moment’ for a lot of guys. You know, like “Yeah when I found her she was a Kafir, but then I converted her to Islam.” Oh, right…YOU converted her to Islam?!? Funny though, that a lot of the women that I know who did date a muslim guy before converting, usually broke up with the guys when they chose for themselves Islam. Or, if they stayed together and did marry, the women usually became the more knowledgeable and practicing of the two.

    *sigh* what a strange world.

  3. Hmm, well I have known women who have converted for a guy, to Islam or another religion, but in my case I came to Islam through the military strange as that may seem. I just recently got married, 4 years after my conversion, so its not all black and white in this topic.
    It is a hard topic to talk about because the greater Muslim community does go: Oh, well he is “only” teaching her. pfff

    • MashAllah. Congratulations on your marriage!

      Yea it just dogs me that these guys are given the pass because they are just “converting” these women. Let a born-Muslim woman try the same thing and people’d be fainting in the aisles.

  4. I am just as bothered by the men who marry non-Muslims with undisclosed (“because I want her to convert for Allah, not for me”) hopes that their new wives will convert. The motivation may be more sincere, and the method significantly more halal, but it is such an elephant in the marital room. I’ve had men in just such a situation ask me to talk to their wives for them, to “encourage” them to convert, because they simply can’t do it themselves, but enlisting a covert dawah operative … apparently that’s just peachy.

    Not surprisingly, the last person to ask me this recently divorced. And remarried. Immediately. To another non-Muslim. And I’m wondering how long before I get a call …

    • I’ve gotten this exact same request a number of times. Its just a load of crap. If it concerns you that she is not Muslim, why the frappuccino did you marry her?!?

      One of the times I got the request it was because the woman was interested in Islam but was afraid to go to a Mosque and I was the only Muslim woman her boyfriend (now husband) knew.

      Alhumdulillah she did convert and mashAllah she is a strong Muslimah despite her being the more practicing of the two.

      But yeah, if you’re concerned about making babies with a kafir, don’t marry one. You’d think that would be obvious.

  5. I would end, and I mean finito, my child if I knew he was pulling this shite. This has to be one of my biggest pet-peeves EV. ER.

  6. This needed to be said Molly. Most of he friends that converted for marriage or relationships left Islam, hate Islam, and since most were married to Arabs..hate Arabs as well.

    Men in chat-rooms…that’s anther thing. But they are everywhere looking for fresh meat.
    I don’t think marrying a non-Muslim with the hopes of converting is sincere. These men are slick, they always say “inshaAllah…” they just say what they have to to get what they want.

    I was Muslim before my marriage, but I too linger in that grey area ..

  7. Assalamu Aleykum sister,

    MashALLAH you just said what I have been thinking for years.I’m a revert as well, Alhamdulillah I haven’t reverted for a man, though I was married to muslim men before my (re) conversion, but I have totally experienced and see around me this kind of muslim men.I also totally agree with what Salma said, most of of the conversion for marriage ends in hatred toward Islam and Arabs from the convert woman.
    SubhanALLAH someone had to point it out and talk about it in all honesty, and you’ve done it!Thank you very much about it 🙂

  8. LOL Salaam sis,
    First time to your blog and Mashallah you’re funny!
    I enjoyed reading this post. I think its true even though I have no experience in it but I have seen and heard of numerous Dawah by Dong cases.
    Seriously, men need to get a grip!

  9. more thant he men i hate the silent peer pressure ont he muslim men, i’m a non-muslim married ot a muslim and as of date am quite positive i will NEVER convert to islam, my spouse hasn’t brought up the subject ( 22 yrs and counting 🙂 ) probably because i told him at the start that it was more likey that i will give him up rather thanmy religion….but the pressure from his mosque buddies and the snide questions from his friends wives is terrible, oh the questions about our kids and how they MUST be muslim — the free advise from neighbouring aunts!!! just too much to bear, most of my husband’s friend who marrie dnon-muslims have mad ethe wives convert ( and i’m not saying “MADE” lightly) most of them leave dissillusioned after a decade or so….

    so men pl if they are good enough to hump as non-muslims they are good enough to marry – i fyou can’t then don’t date .. please..please don’t be a cad.
    and ladies.. you want to give up your religion for a man … really ?????think about it

  10. interesting… I would just like to put out that I recently (well nearly two years now) got married after being a muslim for 6 years alhamdulillah. I didnt know my husband when I converted… damn.. he wasnt even in this country!! And I hate that I have to tell people this all the time!! Even the pakistani visa lady asked me, when I gave a similar answer to what I just said, thinking she just didnt understand me, she asked my hubby the same question.. to which he repeated what I had said in Urdu.. they just dont get it!!!
    Not surprisingly I too have known women who converted after meeting their men (whether it was for them or not Allahu alim!) but after the marriages dissolved so too did their religious conviction and their tolerance of all things Islamic (including Arabs, Asians and whatnot)
    Thanks for this post hun.. insha’Allah all is well with you over there

  11. I was one of the rare ones that did not convert because of a man. I met some women who got into Islam because of a man. Most of the time it did not end well. But even those of us who came to it ourselves leave. It’s not just women who are led to it by a man.

    I left Islam a few years ago. My kids are half Arab. I will respect what they believe when they are an adult, although I cannot say the same for their dad unfortunately.

  12. Your son would not need your consent because men don’t need a wali, or their mommy’s ok, to marry. Thats only for girls.

    • Oh goodness, dont tell my husbands mother that, lol.

    • Oh, I know that Islamically he wouldn’t need my consent, however a correctly-raised child would get his parents’ (plural) consent before bringing someone into the family, especially if the objections were on Islamic grounds, not just cultural/personal. I would absolutely disown my son if he did something like this to a woman, that will not have been how I raised him. Allahu alim what my future will bring, but I know my stance on the subject.

  13. Preach it sister. Everything I’ve ever thought over the years. And I’m stealing your, “What the frappucino…” line… fi aman Allah

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