I’m honestly at my wit’s end here.
You know, my father really effed things up when I was young and this isn’t a new story for my long-time readers. He really messed up his own life, and did a number on mine as well. But for everything that he did wrong he was NEVER abusive to me, he was never abusive to my mom, and he never cheated. His “other woman” was drugs and while I may not agree or condone the choices that he made, I can at least understand them in the face of his addiction.
I honestly thought that it was possible to have a normal family life, despite the lack of that while I was growing up. I always thought that if I made all the right choices, that things would be different for me and my future family.
After converting I met a number of young families my own age and I thought to myself: “Here are these happy families mashAllah; they’re healthy, Muslim, and growing. I hope that Mr. MM and I can have the same, inshAllah.”
Is it too much to ask, really? Am I expecting too much?
Because within the last year or so I have seen and heard things that blew those happy little thoughts right out of my head.
The happy families I admired are not so happy or admirable. People I thought of as upright Muslims and decent family men are not so much of either. Am I expecting the impossible?
And wallahi don’t take this as commentary on Mr. MM because alhumdulillah he is a wonderful husband and will make a wonderful father inshAllah. He hasn’t done to me what I’ve seen other Muslim men do to their wives, alhumdulillah.
But I’m terrified that it’s simply a matter of time. Am I attempting the impossible?
Is there no simple ‘good’ in this world?
Is a happy and well-adjusted family something impossible to acheive?
Is there, ultimately, no accountability on the part of men in this world?
Should I give up now? honestly? Am I just fucked?
I just… I don’t know.
If these people can’t pull it together, what chance do I have?
I am so heart sick and disillusioned. I just don’t know what to believe anymore. I feel like no matter how hard I try, in the end it will amount to nothing.
And if there is nothing I can do, why would I bring children into that?
And why don’t men ever think about it before they make the choices they do?
It makes me sick.