I’ve had to make a decision recently, a very painful and controversial one, that I know I will be questioned toughly on but I feel that I could make no other choice.
Maybe it will seem like a stupid thing to do, maybe some will see it as a cop-out, but I believe it was a justified and morally-responsible decision.
I’m quitting my job.
Not immediately, I’m not jumping ship or anything, I have resigned but I am staying on and hiring for someone to replace me and making sure that its someone who is better for the job than I am.
See I love this company and I love my bosses because they are good people of God who have treated me with the utmost respect and kindness. Thats why I have to quit, because what I offer them is not everything the company needs and deserves and for what they are paying me, a lot for what I bring to them, they should be getting someone better.
Bluntly: someone who speaks Arabic and can emotionally cope with the daily dose of BS one must take in order to work here.
They’ve given me a crucial project that I am not right for and, quite frankly, hate. But its brutally important to the continued growth of the company and I am constrained both by my lack of Arabic and also by my own fear and incompetency. I’m not a Marketing major, I dropped business studies like a hot potato because I hated it so much.
Also working with Egyptians takes a massive amount of patience and finesse that I don’t have on a good day. Telesales in English with fellow Americans comes in a close second to pulling off my fingernails with a pair of pliers on the things-I’d-rather-do list.
But seriously, there’s a specific method to working with the masses in Egypt and I didn’t learn it. I learned cut and dry business, western business, straight up front business. I can’t deal with it here! I can barely stand going to the grocery store.
And I feel that there was writing on the wall; that my bosses who like me and don’t want to have to let me go were tallying the input vs. output ratio and coming up short. We’re a business process consulting company that wants to be hired to cut off the extra flab on other companies, how can we sell ourselves as that when we’re not applying it within? I feel like a fraud working here.
So I couldn’t continue.
And what makes me feel that while I have sufficient reason for leaving I am not making the right decision is the little mom-voice in my head saying, “don’t quit until you’ve found another job!” And I haven’t, as of yet. That makes me nervous and it makes me mad.
But I can’t stay in this job being mildly useless, waiting for the ax to fall, throwing myself half-heartedly into a project that makes me so nervous I break into hives everytime I pick up the phone.
And anyways, I won’t be leaving this job until I’ve hired for my position and trained them slightly. That might be two to three weeks, maybe a month.
But oh what an emotional rollercoaster. I feel guilty staying in this job but I feel irresponsible leaving it. I want to feel that I made the right decision and yet the icy hand of fear continues to squeeze my heart.
Its a lose-lose situation for me, at least at this moment.
InshAllah God will help me be where I need to be.