I’ve definitely been in a funk lately and I’m not sure how to get out of it. How do you pull yourself out of a funk caused by your own shortcomings? It took me a couple of weeks to figure out what the reason for the funk was; its not that I’m uncomfortable in Egypt, its that I’m uncomfortable as a housewife.
Its just not who I am.
I had these grand illusions when I was younger that I wanted to have a pack of children and a nice house, I wanted to cook good meals, and have no job. My job would be my children, and a noble illusion it was.
The problem is that at the time I was in school and my job experience was limited to punt-work that I despised and getting through my shift was torture. Man, I preferred to stay home so when I thought about being a pampered housewife it seemed like a slice of heaven.
Well… here I am.
And well… it ain’t heaven.
I hate housework, I’m just not good at it and I don’t want to be good at it. How do you change a flaw when there is no desire to better that part of yourself? I don’t know if it could be called laziness… probably I am quite thoroughly guilt of being lazy. I want a clean house, of course, but I don’t want to be a part of getting it there. And I feel sick about it. I feel like I’m a horrible person and that I should be better, I should desire to be better, and I should make myself better.
We were having a maid come in once a week, it was fabulous. She cleaned the Downstairs Uncle’s house and she was good, she was honest, and I really liked her. Unfortunately her husband happened to be a completely donkey and one too many times of being rude to my cousin and uncle and she paid the price for his attitude. The only one left was their back-up maid who I instantly disliked- despite the fact that she cooks the only macarona we beschamel that I enjoyed eating- and I didn’t particularly care to have her cleaning my house. I distrusted her with good measure, today I found out she was fired for having sticky fingers.
And that there is the reason we haven’t had a maid come clean in like a month: trust. I didn’t trust Umm Stickyfingers so no go, and I don’t feel particularly good about finding someone new that is completely unknown. What to do? I’ve been waiting for Downstairs Uncle to get a new maid and to see how she does, but I don’t know when that will happen.
So here I am, in a flat that is tiled, white tiles may I add, from one end to the other in a dusty country, without a maid and lacking the essential drive of DIY. I don’t know how to be a housewife.
And dammit, I miss working. God, do I miss working. I miss money, I miss independence, I miss having something to do besides looking at my messy flat every day. I’m depressed, and when I’m depressed I feel even less like cleaning, which makes me even more depressed… etc etc. Its a vicious circle.
I want to work to get out, I want to work to get money to pay someone to do what society, especially Egyptian society, expects that I can do on my own. Money makes the world go round and from my viewpoint right now a job and the money that comes along with it would solve a lot of my problems. My husband can’t complain that I’m paying someone to do my housework when its my money thats paying them. Although there was a generally unpublished consensus from a bunch of sheikhs that said its a Muslim man’s duty to provide a maid for his wife if he can. Don’t ask me to get you a link, my husband knows about it from some books and he once disclosed this knowledge to me with the preface of “please don’t use this against me later but..” If you really want to know the scholarship behind it, I will ask him to get me the information.
So please, somebody hire me.
I’m a desperate housewife, a square peg in a round hole, and I’m losing my mind little by little.
Ya Allah, I need a job!